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home : columns : dear harriette February 6, 2016

6/13/2014 2:44:00 PM
Man wants more intimacy from wife

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife of 30 years cut me off from all loving five years ago for no reason. I am 70 years old, and I still have 100 percent of my sexual ability. Do you think my wife has a boyfriend or someone else? I've read that a woman who has cheated can no longer have sex and enjoy it like she did previously. The Bible says if a person causes another person to sin, she is guilty for it. What can I do? -- Need Some Lovin', Taylorville, Illinois

DEAR NEED SOME LOVIN': I think you should invite your wife out for a romantic dinner. Suggest that she order her favorite foods. Listen to her conversation. Be fully present with her. Tell her that you love her and appreciate her and look forward to spending the next 30 years of your lives together. Ask her what you can do that would make her feel great. Use this romantic moment to be a great listener.

If she is open to conversation, ask her what you can do to get her interested in intimacy again. Tell her that you miss that part of your relationship and want to figure out how to rekindle the romantic spirit.

While it is possible that your wife has someone else, it is equally if not more likely that her libido has slowed down. You can ask her why she chooses not to be intimate with you anymore. Be prepared to listen to her answer. As you encourage her to change her mind, do not behave forcefully. That will not win her back.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 28 years old and have already been married and divorced. My divorce was just finalized, but we have been separated for more than 1 1/2 years. I think I'm ready to date again, but I'm also extremely apprehensive. I'm so used to being in a serious, committed relationship that I'm not sure how to just date around anymore. Also, my divorce was a big part of my life, but I know I shouldn't talk about it with potential dates. How can I be honest about my past without drawing attention to it? -- Single and Ready to Mingle, New York City

DEAR SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE: Save the discussion about your marriage and divorce for your therapist and good friends. Get yourself out there and do the things you love that involve socializing with others. When you meet someone interesting and eventually go on a date, keep it light. Learn about him by asking questions and listening carefully. When it's your turn, be honest, but do not dump your whole marriage story on anyone in the first meeting. You are single. You can call yourself that. If you end up liking someone, you can share more details about your past.

For now, focus on what qualities you admire in a partner and speak about them. Ask your suitor what he admires in a potential partner. By speaking honestly about your desires, you can learn whether someone is deserving of learning more about you as you discover more about him.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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