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home : columns : dear harriette January 16, 2018

   
12/27/2017 8:45:00 AM
Reader wants to reach out to friend from college

DEAR HARRIETTE: I heard from a college friend the other day. He was letting me know that another friend's father had passed. We graduated from college more than 30 years ago, but we have stayed connected over time.

When we were in school, I know my friend liked me, but I was distracted by another guy and didn't give him the time of day. About 10 years ago, he and I were working at the same event, and he asked me if I knew he had a crush on me in college. I changed the subject. Now I feel like I should acknowledge that I knew he liked me. I don't want anything from him. We both are married with children. Mostly, I feel like I would like him to know that his sentiments count. Is that OK to say to him? I am not trying to confuse anything. -- Reminiscing, Boston

DEAR REMINISCING: You are currently in the tender space of remembering the past as a loved one has passed. Tread lightly. If the two of you see each other or talk again soon, you could say to him that you have a confession to make. You can admit that you knew he liked you years ago. Tell the truth -- you were young and distracted and interested in someone else. Apologize for not admitting that you knew this when he asked you years ago. Let him know that you appreciate his friendship and are glad that you created a bond that has lasted.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have noticed that my daughter, who is in high school, has been rude to some girls at school. I pick her up after school sometimes, and I got there early once and noticed her and a group of her friends making fun of another girl. I asked her about it, and she shrugged it off. Another time, I saw the whole group of them taunting a shy girl. I am so upset. My daughter used to be a nice, caring girl. How can I get her to be more compassionate? I know that teens go through a lot of emotional ups and downs, but there's no excuse for being mean. -- No More Mean Girl, Denver

DEAR NO MORE MEAN GIRL: Tell your daughter you need to talk to her with no cellphones or other distractions. Ask her what happened between her and the girl you saw her taunting. Find out if she did something to upset your daughter and her friends. Be compassionate, as this will help her to talk to you. Tell her you are concerned because this is the second time you have seen your daughter speak to other girls in a mean way. Remind your daughter of the lesson she should have learned in middle school about being a bully or a bystander. Tell her you are worried she has become the bully. Do your best to find out what the other girl did or what your daughter and her friends have done or said that escalated their interaction to obvious mean behavior.

It is unlikely that your daughter will tell you everything in the first conversation. Keep talking to her. Ask her how she would feel if someone treated her in a mean way. If you have a personal story of being bullied when you were young, share that with your daughter. If she can imagine how the victims of her mean behavior might react to her, she may begin to change. Do not give up.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)





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