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home : columns April 21, 2018

Reader irritated when wife messes up car

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife is a car slob. Even though she has her own car, she likes to borrow my car for a few days or weeks. Every time I get it back, it is a complete wreck: empty food containers on the floor, makeup smudges on the seat and steering wheel and coffee cups in the cup holders. She loves driving my car, but it bothers me that she doesn't have the respect to keep it clean. I want to tell her to stop driving my car or clean it up after she uses it, but I'm afraid it will hurt her feelings. How do I tell her? -- Stop Trashing My Car, Denver


Friday, April 20, 2018


Reader must decide which path to take
On one hand, I would enjoy working for the startup, but I would hate being apart from my partner. On the other hand, if I moved to Austin, I would be happy living with him, but might not find a great job right away. Should love trump a career, or vice versa?
Thursday, April 19, 2018

Seasonal affective disorder touches whole family
Do you know anything about depression or mental health disorders? Are family health issues often passed down?
Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Student needs advice about post-grad plans
I graduate in May and need some help deciding what the next step should be. Do I continue working with the couple and earn enough money to support myself, or branch out with my college degree?
Tuesday, April 17, 2018

World Almanac
Today is the 106th day of 2018 and the 28th day of spring.
Monday, April 16, 2018

Nanny worried about fatigue while working
I have already agreed to work for the month, but I have been thinking about speaking with the parents to ask for a couple of nights off. I think if I get one night off a week (so four nights during the month), it would be less draining. How do you think I should approach this? Is one night off a week the right amount?
Monday, April 16, 2018

Reader should reach out to friend in mourning
What can I do to express my sorrow appropriately?
Saturday, April 14, 2018

World Almanac
Today is the 105th day of 2018 and the 27th day of spring.
Saturday, April 14, 2018

Reader ready to recommit to religion
What are your thoughts on re-entering a religion, or in my case, starting to practice the religion again?
Friday, April 13, 2018

Co-worker getting too close for comfort
Since that lunch meeting, he gets close during conversations and touches my arm. If we're sitting down, he will touch my leg. He hasn't done anything else, but I don't want his actions to get worse. Should I confront him before I talk to HR?
Thursday, April 12, 2018

Reader questions whether to confront former boss
Now that people are talking about their experiences, I want to add my voice to the conversation. This man is retired now, but I know how to reach him. Do you think I should write him a letter or contact him in any way to tell him how much he violated me back in the day? I am not interested in money or anything.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Underemployed reader worried girlfriend will leave
I am tired of pretending like it's getting better when it isn't. I don't have the skills to get a better-paying job right now. What can I do to turn the corner?
Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Mess reader unsure about inviting over next-door neighbor
I am super private. I'm also always thinking I will get it together one day and have a tidy house. But right now, my next-door neighbor needs me. Should I open my door?
Monday, April 9, 2018

Reader debates goint to graduate school

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been going back and forth with the idea of attending graduate school to receive my master's degree. There are many reasons for my waffling: I don't have enough money to attend, so I would need to receive some sort of scholarship or loan, and I am not sure what graduate program I want to do. Another reason I am conflicted about the idea is the timing of it. Should I be attending graduate school immediately after I received my undergraduate degree, or work for a couple of years to gain experience and then go back to school to earn my master's? What do you think is most beneficial or looks best to a prospective employer? -- Master's Degree Debate, Philadelphia


Saturday, April 7, 2018

Summer of fun might not be best idea
DEAR HARRIETTE: I wanted to know your perspective on a gap year, or "summer of fun," when a student takes a year or a summer to relax before he or she starts a full-time job in the real world. I am about to graduate college and hope to secure a job after graduation. 
Friday, April 6, 2018

Reader must stay prepared for interview
How do you prepare for a spontaneous job interview? I recently spoke with a radio executive, and he asked me about myself and whether I knew about his radio station and some of the local channels. I knew of the channels, but I wasn't sure about the details. I felt so embarrassed. He said that he will forward my resume to the hiring manager for any potential positions, but how should I stay prepared for times like this?
Thursday, April 5, 2018

Ex-boyfriend needs to give space to sick woman
Last week, one of our mutual friends informed me that my ex is sick. There is something wrong with her lungs, and she has been having trouble breathing on her own for the past month or so. When I first heard this, my heart hurt and my immediate reaction was to call her. I got no response, and then I wondered if it is my place to reach out. Under these circumstances, what is the right thing to do?
Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Reader shouldn't pressure boyfriend into getting dog
I'm waiting for him to become ready for a dog, but I know I will become impatient if he keeps waiting. Should I talk to him about it again?
Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Reader debates visiting friend on her birthday
My friend did not visit me on my birthday, so will she be offended if I do not make the trip? What do you think I should do?
Monday, April 2, 2018

Boss needs to back off from matchmaking role
I am recovering from a breakup, and my family and friends are supportive. My boss is encouraging and always wants me to be happy. However, she might be trying to set me up too early when I'm not fully recovered from the breakup. She has men in mind whom she would like me to meet, but I'm not ready. How can I tell her to back off for now, but that I will be ready later?
Saturday, March 31, 2018

Mom pressuring reader to attend alma mater
I'm afraid she will use her financial assistance to convince me to go there and will make me feel bad if don't. How should I choose the school that's right for me?
Friday, March 30, 2018

Sister's boyfriend not planning for the future
I know my sister very well, and I know she is itching to get engaged soon. Do you think it is inappropriate if I ask my sister's boyfriend what his intentions are with my sister, or if he plans to marry her?
Thursday, March 29, 2018

Woman irritated by sister who drinks too much
How do I tell her that she needs to drink less if she wants to continue to go out together? I don't want to be harsh with her.
Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Student considers nannying job
Is it the right move for me to take a month of the summer to nanny, or should I continue my job search?
Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Teenage son is skipping school, getting bad grades
Monday, March 26, 2018

Girlfriend worried about former addict boyfriend
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict. About a year ago, he was in a bad place in his life and was in a downward spiral. He got his act together and has now been sober for a year. I am proud of how far he has come and all the changes he has made, but I fear that one day he won't be able maintain his sobriety.
Saturday, March 24, 2018

Studies show that flu virus can be spread by just breathing
DEAR DOCTOR: How does the flu virus spread? I've always thought it was mostly from coughing, which contaminates the air and the surfaces we touch. But now I've heard that people who are sick actually breathe the virus out. Should I be wearing a mask to protect myself? 
Saturday, March 24, 2018

Mom with dementia needs full-time support

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father passed away seven years ago. After he died, my mother came to live with my family and me. Because my children have essentially grown up with her living with them since they were babies, their relationship is nothing less than amazing. My kids look to her for advice and support, and they love her dearly. Unfortunately, last year my mother was diagnosed with dementia, and in the past few months it has become progressively worse. 


Friday, March 23, 2018

Girlfriend questions friendship with elderly woman
My girlfriend finds the elderly woman rude and does not like that I spend time with her. I enjoy going to these monthly lunches, but I can see how it is a little odd. Do you think it's normal, and should I continue my friendship with this woman?
Thursday, March 22, 2018

Difference in parents' ages causing problems
My parents have been married for over 15 years.  There is a big age gap between them, as my father is 10 years older than my mother. What is your take on martial age gaps?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Job seeker struggles with wardrobe for meeting
What should I wear to the meeting? Because I am not going on an interview with this person -- it's just a general meeting about working in the industry -- does it mean I don't need to wear formal interview attire? Could I go in business casual as opposed to business dress?
Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Girlfriend wants her own room in shared apartment
Do you think it's abnormal for a couple to move in together, yet have their own bedrooms?
Monday, March 19, 2018

Fiance picks fights over tiny details
n and on about how we've been together for six years, and I should know this about him. It was a mistake to forget this small detail about him, but I would much rather argue about bigger, more important things such as where our wedding will be held, not ice cream. I don't know if I am overexaggerating or if this is a glimpse into our future. Please help me.
Saturday, March 17, 2018

Friends angry after being detained by police
Why should all of us be held accountable for the actions of two people?
Friday, March 16, 2018

Dad's career suggestion isn't what reader wants
I have my own dreams I want to focus on, and working on a beach house isn't at the top of my list. How do I make it clear to my dad that the beach house isn't one of my dreams?
Thursday, March 15, 2018

Friend's parents hold a grudge from middle school
Should I talk about it with my friend and ask her why her parents still hold a grudge against me for something that happened so long ago?
Wednesday, March 14, 2018

High school friend must accept woman has changed
I reconnected with a high school friend recently, and we went out for some drinks. The problem is that my classmate treats me like I am still in high school.
Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Son's decision to enlist in army upsets family
How can I become more supportive and comfortable with the idea of my son joining the Army?
Monday, March 12, 2018

Is mom's boyfriend too good to be true?

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother and father are divorced. Recently, my mom started dating a guy who seems nice. He treats her well and seems very genuine. Because of the physical distance between us -- we live thousands of miles apart -- I've only spent time with them together a couple of times. From what my siblings and I can gather, there is nothing wrong with him.


Saturday, March 10, 2018

Threat of terrorism causes canceled plans
DEAR HARRIETTE: I live near a major city. My friends and I often travel into the city for a day of shopping or a fun dinner. In the past few months, there have been multiple terrorist attacks in big cities in both the United States and Europe. I am a very cautious person, so this scares me. 
Friday, March 9, 2018

Former student reluctant to make teacher's retirement video
One of my teachers from high school is retiring. I recently received a message from a classmate of mine asking if I would like to record a 1-to-2-minute video that would be part of a farewell montage, created by her past and present students. Would it be meaningful if I created the video, even though I don't have any personal memories to share?
Thursday, March 8, 2018

Boss calls young employee a baby
Would you suggest sitting down with my boss and telling her how I feel about being called "the baby"?
Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Lost engagement ring causes guilt

Is there a way to prevent him from using the lost engagement ring against me? Should I just get over this?


Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Children terrified by thoughts of school violence
DEAR HARRIETTE: The rising number of school shootings has taken a toll on my children, especially my high school-age son. After the Parkland, Florida, shooting, he asked questions like, "Why would he do that?" Through our conversations, I have explained to him that sometimes these shootings can result from bullying and mental illness. He is still afraid to go to school. Every morning, he says he's sick, hoping I will let him stay home. 
Monday, March 5, 2018

Aunt won't stop commenting about reader's body
DEAR HARRIETTE: I struggled with my weight throughout my teenage and young adult years, but I am now content with how I look and feel. An aunt I don't see often has been on a fitness journey and has been losing weight. I'm happy for her, but she always mentions my appearance and gives advice on what I should do. It makes me feel like the way I look isn't OK or is unhealthy.
Saturday, March 3, 2018

Mom's constant workouts worry reader
DEAR HARRIETTE: My family has always been very active. We all love playing sports and exercising regularly. Recently, my mother has been very into yoga. I admire her for maintaining her health and always trying to get some activity every day, but it has gotten to the point where she is obsessing over her body. She restricts her diet so much, and has been taking two or three workout classes a day. 
Friday, March 2, 2018

Husband wants to regain intimacy with wife
DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years. We have a solid marriage, but the intimacy seems to have faded away years ago. I feel like we are living as roommates more than husband and wife.
Thursday, March 1, 2018

New employee wants to bond with co-workers
DEAR HARRIETTE: I started a new job and want to become more social with my colleagues. They invite me to happy hours and evening work events, and everyone is very nice and great to be around. However, I feel like I am an outsider, or I don't match the same energy as the others. I am an introvert, but I want to learn to become more social and improve my networking skills. I want to come out of my shell, but I am afraid I may come off as fake and not my authentic self. How do I show interest and improve my networking skills while still being me? -- Shy Girl, Seattle
Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Job-seeking reader questions interview attire
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have an interview coming up at a restaurant where I have applied to be a host. What do you think is the appropriate attire to wear to this interview? Usually I would dress in business casual to an interview, but because the restaurant is casual and I am interviewing for the position of host, I'm not sure if wearing a suit and tie is appropriate. Are there different places or occasions where casual dress is better to wear than going formal? -- What to Wear, Syracuse, New York
Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Dad wants to reconnect with teenage son
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a father of three, with one son. I want to have a better relationship with him, but I don't know how to get closer to him. We used to be very close; we attended baseball games together, went out to dinner almost every week, etc. 
Monday, February 26, 2018

College student wants mom's blessing to study abroad

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been talking to my parents recently about going abroad for a semester. My school offers a program where you can take classes toward your degree in a different country, and I think it would be a great experience for me. 


Saturday, February 24, 2018

Reader annoyed by loud customer

DEAR HARRIETTE: Today I was sitting in Starbucks doing my work. A man came down to sit next to me, which of course I had no problem with -- until he started watching an obnoxious video on his phone without any headphones on. I understand that it is a public space, but everyone else in the store was reading or doing work. He was easily the loudest person in there because of his phone. I kept giving the man looks and then would look at his phone, giving him the hint that it was very loud and distracting, but he just sat there chuckling at whatever he was watching. Do you think I should have said something? -- Annoyed Starbucks Customer, Portland, Oregon 


Friday, February 23, 2018

Girlfriend getting nervous about ski trip
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend grew up skiing his whole life, as did all of his friends. I have never skied in my life. This spring break, our friends (who are all couples) decided they want to go on a ski trip to Aspen, Colorado. I agreed I would go along because I didn't want to be the Debbie Downer of the group. As the trip gets closer, I am getting more nervous about the fact that everyone else on the trip are avid skiers, whereas I am a beginner. I have signed up for a couple of ski lessons while I am there, but I feel like I will be left out of most of the activities because I don't ski. What can I do to make the best out of this trip? How can I feel included? -- Girlfriend Who Can't Ski, Roxbury, Massachusetts
Thursday, February 22, 2018

Reader wants to work out without spending too much
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always loved to work out. I recently moved to New York City, and I want to find a gym or studio to join. Everywhere I look, the gyms keep getting more expensive. I feel like there is nowhere in the city that has an affordable rate.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Future husband wants matching tattoos
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently got engaged. We have a wedding date picked out, and we are so excited to finally get married. 
Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Daughter wants to talk to dad about more than money
DEAR HARRIETTE: I used to have a great relationship with my dad. Now, we barely speak. When we do speak, it is about money or something to do with my mother. (They have been divorced for several years now.) I am still in college, and my dad pays for part of my education. I am so sick and tired of that being all we talk about that I have decided not to answer my dad's texts anymore. I'm not sure if this is the best or right decision because it can be seen as immature, but I don't know what else to do. Do you think there is another way I could reconnect with my father without arguing about finances? -- Muted Daughter, Dallas
Monday, February 19, 2018

Should baby sitter bring up autism question?
DEAR HARRIETTE: I just started baby-sitting a new family in my neighborhood. The family has two boys, both under age 10. The first day I was there, I noticed that the younger boy seemed to be on the autistic disorder spectrum. I learned about some of the signs in my child psychopathology class in school and immediately associated them with the boy. I had a great time baby-sitting the kids, and I am looking forward to working with them again. The only thing that is bothering me is that the parents did not let me know this beforehand. Not that I would have a problem with babysitting a child with autism, but I think I would have appreciated it if the parents had told me that before. 
Saturday, February 17, 2018

Money-conscious reader wants to skip spring break
DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends are planning a trip to Florida for spring break. As much as I would love to go with them and spend a week in the sun, I am hoping that I will be asked to work that week. My friends keep asking me to book my flights and get the trip organized, but I have yet to do so. Although there is not a guarantee that I will be asked by the family I nanny for to watch their kids that week, I would rather stay home and save the money.
Friday, February 16, 2018

Reader can't decide how to spend birthday
DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday is coming up, and I am torn about what I should do. My friends from college want me to come back and celebrate with them, my boyfriend wants me to visit him for the weekend and my friends from home want me to stay at home so I can celebrate with them. Ideally, I would love to see all of these people on my birthday or that weekend, but I know how unrealistic that is. Is there any way I could make a decision that hurts the fewest number of people? I'm not sure what I want to do, so any advice on how I should weigh the pros and cons of each situation would be much appreciated! -- Birthday Plan Problems, Sarasota, Florida
Thursday, February 15, 2018

Reader doesn't want to teach daughter to swim
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I just had our first child. We are loving being parents so far, but are having a serious debate about whether we should be teaching our daughter how to swim. My husband was trained to swim as an infant by his parents and supervised by an instructor. He explained to me the process of infant swim training. He says he is glad his parents made him go through this, and he wants to put our daughter in these classes. I have looked up online what the training entails, and I am disturbed by it. There has been controversy about whether it is good for the child. My husband is very set on this, but I am not 100 percent comfortable with it. How do I get him to change his mind about the swim classes? -- Not for Swim Training My Infant, Washington, D.C.
Wednesday, February 14, 2018

After friend's death, reader contemplates mortality
DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm feeling very sad and a little scared right now. I just learned that a man I used to know many years ago died from the flu. He was in his mid-50s. 
Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Middle-aged mom bored with her life
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am what we call middle-aged. I just turned 50, and it is unnerving me. I thought my life would be different than it is. Don't get me wrong -- things are OK. I am a single mom of an irritable teenage daughter. I have a good job and a nice home, but I am kind of bored with my life. When I was younger, I thought I would be living very differently by now. 
Monday, February 12, 2018

Boyfriend won't make much in new job

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend (of six years) and I have been living together for three years. He is great, and I love living with him. He works at a suit store as the manager, and he enjoys what he does. However, recently he has been talking to one of his buddies about joining his startup tech company. 


Friday, February 9, 2018

Girlfriend can't afford to travel to visit boyfriend

DEAR HARRIETTE: I want to visit my boyfriend in college for the weekend. My cheapest option is to catch either a bus or a train down and back. 


Friday, February 9, 2018

Hard-working student struggling after failure
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a good student who studies hard and works to get good grades. I have recently been going through a lot in my personal life. It is affecting how much time and effort I put into my work. I failed an exam last week; it was the first exam I have ever failed, and I'm not sure if I should tell my parents. Part of me wants to keep it a secret because I know how disappointed they would be, but another part is telling me I should be honest with my parents. What do you think I should do? -- Worried Student, Philadelphia
Thursday, February 8, 2018

Mom of shy twin wants to help her come out of shell
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a set of 12-year-old twin daughters. They are both sweet, smart, funny girls, but they are different in a lot of ways. One of them is confident and social and speaks her mind constantly. She is also considerate of other people's feelings while maintaining her leadership skills. My other daughter is not so outgoing. She is shy, spends a lot of time by herself and is more of a follower. She has an amazing attention to detail and is very dependable when I need her for something. I try to accentuate my daughters' differences but also treat them the same. 
Wednesday, February 7, 2018

13-year-old son getting bullied at baseball practice
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a mother of two boys; my youngest is 8 years old, and the older one is 13. I have noticed that my middle-school-age son has been coming home from baseball practice very upset the past couple of months. My husband and I approached him about the situation and learned he has been getting bullied by the team. He is in seventh grade, and I am not quite sure how to handle this situation. I don't know how involved I should get, or what is appropriate to say to the coach. I don't want to embarrass him, but I also don't want my son to feel the way he has been feeling lately. -- Intervening Mother, Denver
Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Reader questions need to get help for OCD
DEAR HARRIETTE: I never thought I would be diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder, or any other psychological issues. I was speaking with my psychiatrist the other week, and we were talking about some of the bizarre thoughts I have and the even weirder behaviors that follow those thoughts. We reached the conclusion that I have mild OCD when it comes to having bad thoughts that something might happen to my family, and if I did not knock on my head, those things would come true.
Monday, February 5, 2018

Daughter's life revolves around boyfriend
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is in college and has just started dating a guy who is a year older than her. I have met the boy a couple of times and like him. He seems like a responsible person who treats my daughter well. Because he is a year older than my daughter, he has already graduated and gotten a job. 
Saturday, February 3, 2018

Boyfriend's drug use hurts relationship
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating my boyfriend for four years. He treats me well, but some issues have been arising due to his problem with drugs. I can see how it is changing him and how he acts, therefore changing our relationship. I have tried talking to him about it by suggesting he get help or talk to someone else about this. Every time the topic comes up, it starts an argument and he blames me for acting like his mother. I don't want to act like his mother or tell him what to do, but in these situations, it's my instinct to intervene and tell him to stop because it is creating problems in our relationship. Is there anything else I can do to help him? -- I'm Your Girlfriend, Not Your Mother, Syracuse, New York
Friday, February 2, 2018

Stay-at-home dad feels disconnected from working wife
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a stay-at-home father with a son and a daughter. My wife works from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. at a law firm and travels frequently on the weekends. I feel my relationship with her is getting weaker, and I can see us drifting apart. I believe that we still love each other and are both committed to our marriage, but we see each other so little that it's hard to maintain the type of relationship we had before work and kids got in the way. I don't want us to grow further apart and would love a way to redefine a new relationship. How do I do this? -- Stay-at-Home Husband, Dallas
Thursday, February 1, 2018

Anxious reader should consider therapy
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always considered myself to be happy and cheerful. I am motivated to be successful, and I am a sociable person. Recently, I have been having a constant feeling of anxiety and sadness. I am not sure why I have been feeling like this because I have never been one to suffer from anxiety or depression before.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018

New CEO brings down long-time worker's morale
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am struggling with where I am in my career. I am 53 years old and have been doing the same thing my entire life. I was fortunate enough to know what I wanted to do at a very young age. I worked hard and got my dream job as an engineer. Recently, my company has hired a new CEO.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Teenage son has no interest in hanging with family

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three children, ages 6, 11 and 18. My two youngest kids are with my current husband, and my oldest is from a previous marriage.  


Monday, January 29, 2018

International parents have high expectations
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have grown up with international parents. My mother is Scottish, and my father is Australian. They both grew up overseas, and their first time living in the United States was when we moved here in 2002. Growing up in New York with parents who were not American allowed me to learn so much about different cultures. There were also amazing perks, such as traveling to visit family in the United Kingdom and Australia during the holidays.
Friday, January 26, 2018

Could bad credit threaten new job?

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am up for a new job that would be an amazing opportunity for me and my family. I just learned that if I make it to the final round, the company will want to check my credit report. In terms of work, I have excellent skills. In terms of money, I am a disaster.  


Friday, January 26, 2018

Graduating daughter caught between fighting parents
DEAR HARRIETTE: I was 16 years old when my parents got a divorce. I am now almost 22, and I still feel the tension between them. For years, they have never been able to be in the same room; they communicate only through their lawyers. If I need to speak to both of them, I do it through email; I often act as their messenger.
Thursday, January 25, 2018

Roommates' fighting keeps reader awake

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just moved to New York City and into my own apartment -- well, sort of my own apartment. I share a two-bedroom apartment in the East Village with my best friend from high school and her boyfriend. 


Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Interfaith couple must discuss their future

DEAR HARRIETTE: I need some advice about religion and love. I am Catholic, but I do not practice many Catholic traditions. 


Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Job-seeker needs guidance on interview attire

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a female college student who, like my peers, is searching for a job and going on interviews. I would consider myself semi-stylish, and I generally know what is appropriate. But when it comes to interview attire, I am at a loss.  

I have been applying to both corporate and non-corporate jobs for next spring. Depending on what job you are interviewing for, does it change what you should wear?


Monday, January 22, 2018
















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