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home : columns : dear harriette January 17, 2019

1/3/2019 7:33:00 AM
After miscarriage, woman contemplates affair

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 27-year-old woman. I had a miscarriage four months ago. During my pregnancy, my husband was awful to me. We fought a lot, and I ended up losing the baby. He is a good husband, and the fighting started only when I found out I was pregnant. He supported me throughout the grieving process, but I started to lose interest in our marriage.

Just when I was able to fall in love with my husband again, I fell in love with another man. The other man has been married for seven months and has no children yet. His wife and I are good friends, and we see each other often. This man has also fallen in love with me, and we speak to each other just about every day -- except over weekends and at night, when we are with our spouses. I really care for him a lot, and I know most of his past, which is rough. However, I do not think he is as emotionally invested in this as me; he loves my body and makes me feel good. We have been in this relationship for two months now, and we have not had sex yet; we speak about it a lot but have only kissed. I do not know what to do. If we go a day without speaking, I feel down and depressed, but I know this can't go on forever. -- Is He the One for Me?, Dallas

DEAR IS HE THE ONE FOR ME?: Ever heard of the saying "First things first"? That's your responsibility right now. Pump the brakes regarding this budding relationship, and figure out what you want to do with your marriage. Surviving a miscarriage can be devastating. You and your husband deserve the time to figure out if you want to stay together and heal from your loss. To do that, you have to be all in, without the distraction of this other man.

If this other man is meant to be in your life, he will still be there after you work things through with your husband. Chances are, however, that this diversion is hot and short-lived and terribly dangerous.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working on a freelance project for two years now. There are aspects of it that I like, but my boss is erratic and temperamental. Plus, the pay is so low that it adds up to less than minimum wage. I have a college degree and wanted to apply my skills to a job, but I want to be paid for my work. I'm kind of afraid to leave this position, but I know I need to make more money. The other problem is that this job takes up a lot of time. What should I do? -- Stuck Below Minimum Wage, Chicago

DEAR STUCK BELOW MINIMUM WAGE: Start looking online and in your local newspaper for job opportunities. You owe it to yourself at least to poke around and see what's out there. Brush off your resume and look around. This will help you to determine if you are poised well for a better job.

You can also look at legitimate minimum-wage jobs that might tide you over for a set amount of time while you look for more optimal employment. Staying at a job that is abusive will only corrode your self-esteem over time. Be mindful not to stay there too long.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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