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home : columns : dear harriette February 23, 2019

1/26/2019 3:48:00 PM
Dear Harriette
By Harriette Cole

DEAR HARRIETTE: I totally put my foot in my mouth. I was talking about the horrible things that often happen to women who have babies in their teens. I know I sounded high and mighty because I don't approve of teen mothers. I think it's way too difficult to provide a healthy life for the baby. Still, I never have meant to insult anyone. It turns out that my co-worker had a child when she was 16. Now she is 40-something, and her life is great. Her first child is healthy and productive, as are the rest of her kids. She glared at me when I made my comment. What can I say to make amends with her? I did not mean to offend her, but I know I did. -- Loud Mouth

DEAR LOUD MOUTH: I was at a women's conference a few years ago when something similar happened. There was someone on a panel talking about the perils of teen pregnancy and how horrible people's lives usually are when they have children too young. The speaker went on and on, using statistics, to explain why having a baby when you are a teen is a horrible idea. When it came time for questions, a well-dressed, professional woman stood up and blasted the speaker. She said she was tired of listening to people bad-mouth her. Yes, she had a child at 15. No, it wasn't ideal. But she has built a great life for herself, and so has her now-grown child. She cautioned people about passing judgment and said that we all have struggles, so we should be careful about how harshly we condemn others.

I never forgot that moment. Of course, it can be difficult and often financially debilitating for a teenager to have a child. But we should be mindful that plenty of them do, and those children and parents need support, just like the rest of us.

Go to your co-worker and apologize for expressing your thoughts. Tell her that you are learning from her the harshness of your own views. Assure her that you didn't mean to offend and that you realize that teen pregnancy, like so many other topics, is multidimensional, and you are no expert on it. Ask for her forgiveness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents are older, in their early 90s. They have been healthy, but now they are a bit fragile. I feel so grateful to still have them. Their minds are sharp, too. Being older, they are starting to need support. Whenever I can't reach them on the phone, I freak out. The same goes for my siblings. I recommended that they get those alarms for calling the police, but my parents won't think of it. They say they want to stay "young." I get it in that maybe this is how they have stayed vital for so long. But they are 90-plus! Come on. I need them to have safeguards for potential accidents. How can I convince them that this is important? -- Keeping Parents Safe

DEAR KEEPING PARENTS SAFE: Ask your parents for a compromise. Have them agree that they will check in with you or one of your siblings every three hours. Set up a schedule with them, and implement it for a month. It is likely that they will not want so much engagement throughout the day, even if it is a momentary call. After a month, tell them that if they would be willing to wear the alarm necklace that they can push in case of emergency, you and your siblings will not have to police them so strenuously. Chances are, they will go for it then!





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