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home : columns : dear harriette June 26, 2019

5/1/2019 7:38:00 AM
Potential beau doesn't have a job

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently met a man who sparked my interest, but he does not have a job. I do not want to be shallow and just use this factor for a reason not to date him. However, I also want to be smart and realistic. Should I be supportive of him in his situation and wait for him get himself together, or should I view this as a red flag? How long should I wait this out? -- Questionable Dating Material

DEAR QUESTIONABLE DATING MATERIAL: Here's a perfect opportunity to take it slow. If you like this man, why not take the time to become friends with him first? You can talk to him on the phone, occasionally grab a coffee or do some other affordable activity. You don't have to say anything to him about his joblessness being an impediment. Instead, encourage him to keep looking when he brings it up. If he doesn't, stay out of that lane. You don't want to become an enabler.

In terms of how you should view this man as it relates to your life, make a list of priorities for what you want in a partner. One may be financial stability, but I bet there are plenty of other factors. List them all, and make a second column with turnoffs. Be specific on both sides. Then compare your list to this man.

Let your assessment tell you whether he is a potential partner down the line. Most important: Don't feel you have to make a decision right this minute. You can pay attention and see how things unfold.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My older cousin and her spouse have been begging my sister and me to come and spend the weekend with them. We spent one weekend with them before, and we had a great time going on outings but were not comfortable in the house. It was not clean. My cousin asked if they had been bad hosts, but we did not know how to respond. -- Dirty House

DEAR DIRTY HOUSE: Is there any chance you can invite your cousin and her spouse to spend the weekend with you? If it is possible to shift the dynamics so that you can be together without having to be in their home, all would appreciate the fellowship.

If you cannot avoid it, you may have to have the difficult but honest conversation, telling your cousin how much you enjoyed their company at your last visit, but adding that you didn't feel comfortable in their home. Let me ask: Could you possibly help them tidy? If there is a chance that they may not be on top of things because they are older and they need some help, a solution might be for you and your sister to give them the gift of spring cleaning.

No matter what, broaching the subject will likely be awkward, but if you can actually be part of the solution, if only for this moment, it may represent a turning point for them in their home and you in relation to them. It's worth a try.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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