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home : columns : dear harriette January 27, 2021

11/24/2020 7:47:00 AM
Unrequited crush is hard to forget

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a crush on this guy for years. We became friends and started seeing each other, but after a while it just felt like he lost interest, and we fell off. We stopped talking and seeing each other. Since then I've remained single, and every few months we reconnect and talk for a while, but it's not long before we fall off again.

Sometimes I get so disappointed about nothing changing between us that I block him to keep him off my mind, but I always end up looking him up again just to see that he has left me a message during the time I've written him off. I don't want to stay in this circle of getting my hopes up waiting for his feelings to change. What can I do to fight the urge to look back and stop revisiting something that will never happen? -- Waiting on Nothing

DEAR WAITING ON NOTHING: You need to do a self-evaluation. What do you want, and what do you believe you deserve? Crushing on someone almost always means that it is one-sided. Your obsession, lust and curiosity about this man seem to be clouding your vision of reality.

What can you do? You can speak directly to him, state the obvious -- that you like him -- and ask him if he wants to give it a go. If he waffles or otherwise does not commit (which is likely, based on your history), step away. Stop searching for him. Stop longing for him. Give yourself the mental and emotional space to be available to someone who may truly want to be with you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I accidentally revealed to my best friend's boyfriend that she has been talking to her ex. I thought that he knew they were still friends because he is in our friend group, but she had been lying to him about the extent of their friendship. He broke up with her, and she has been an absolute wreck over the breakup.

I feel terrible and guilty because it is all my fault. I didn't know she was lying to him about being friends with her ex, and she never told me not to say anything. Maybe I was an absentminded friend. Our other mutual friends told me to take it to the grave and let them sort it out, but I can't stand by, keeping this secret while she cries. Should I come clean? -- Slipped Up

DEAR SLIPPED UP: What good will it possibly do for you to tell your friend that you revealed this information to her boyfriend? She is already emotionally wrecked. Your revelation will only make her feel worse. It will not help her to heal.

By the way, it is not all your fault that they broke up. She is the one who was engaging with her ex and lying about it. Of course this is unfortunate, but she is going to have to deal with her own feelings and actions and figure out a way forward. When the time comes, if it comes, you can reveal your role in the revelation. For now, if she wants to talk about this, encourage her to think deeply about what she wants for her life, so that she can choose wisely.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.





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