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home : columns March 22, 2019

Reader questions how to handle begging
My mother told me that we should always share with those who have less than we do. To that end, I give to my church, and I occasionally give to people who beg on the street.
Thursday, March 21, 2019


Reader with kids in entertainment worries about predators
I have young children who are involved in the entertainment industry. My 10-year-old son is a dancer, and my 8-year-old daughter is an actor. We feel fortunate that both of them have gotten paying jobs already through their school and local productions. They have also met some influential people in the business who have offered to help get them to the next level.
Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Teen daughter takes a nap every day after school
My daughter is an A-student in her high school. She is conscientious about her work, and she helps a little bit around the house. In general, I think she is doing a good job. My concern is that this semester she comes home from school and wants to take a nap for at least an hour before starting her homework.
Tuesday, March 19, 2019

10-year-old daughter doesn't like future stepdad
I am about to get married, and my 10-year-old daughter is not happy about it. I have finally found a man who wants to be my partner in life. He likes my daughter, too, but she is not kind to him. She is just a child, but she does not accept him at all.
Monday, March 18, 2019

Boyfriend ghosts on valentine's day
My boyfriend of six years and I broke up about a year ago. He said he needed to find himself and grow up. He never stopped texting me, though. A couple of months ago, he asked if we could get back together and try again. I love him, so I agreed to try. We spent time together over the holidays, and it was really nice. But then Valentine's Day came and went. He didn't even call. The next day, he called to ask my advice on an outfit he was going to wear to go out with friends -- without me.
Saturday, March 16, 2019

Woman uses next-door neighbor as baby sitter
DEAR HARRIETTE: My next-door neighbor had a baby about a year ago. She is a sweet baby, and I am happy for the family. What I don't like is how the mother will knock on my door with the baby on her hip and ask me to watch the baby while she runs off to do whatever. She is often gone for hours, and she never plans these outings. She basically dumps the baby on me. I get that she doesn't have family here, but I do not like the way that she uses me with no regard for my schedule. How can I get her to be more organized and respectful of my time? -- Not Your Baby Sitter
Friday, March 15, 2019

Seeing former boyfriend brings back old feelings
I traveled to go to a friend's big birthday party last weekend, and it was a blast. What was surprising, though, is that an old flame of mine was also there. Now, we haven't seen each other for more than 20 years, but I swear I got the same butterflies in my stomach that I had when we were dating years ago. We were together for three years, and we broke up when he went to graduate school. It turns out that neither of us is married. It sounds like he has had a good life, as have I. But seeing him again got me to thinking "what if?" Do you think it's worth it to find out?
Thursday, March 14, 2019

Elderly mother mixing up medications
My mother has been living in an independent community for elders for a couple of years now. Recently I have noticed that my mother gets her medications mixed up.
Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Family serves food reader can't eat
I am lactose intolerant, and my family knows this. Yet whenever I come over for dinner, they serve creamy food. Heavy sauces and cheeses are in virtually every dish. I don't understand it. I believe they love me. I remind them that I have dietary restrictions, but they don't take my needs into account at all. I take Lactaid with me so that I don't get sick, but I really don't want to put all of that milk in my body in the first place. What can I do?
Tuesday, March 12, 2019

After reading journal, parent should talk to son
My teenage son keeps a journal, which I think is great, though I didn't know about it. I was cleaning his room the other day when I discovered it. I admit that I took a peek. Most of the entries were benign -- just teenage angst. But one entry I read revealed that he has tried smoking marijuana. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. More, though, I am worried about him.
Monday, March 11, 2019

Employee might want to attend church with co-workers
DEAR HARRIETTE: I started a new job a few months ago, and my co-workers are kind to me. The company I work for is pretty small, but it's definitely tight. You know how sometimes people go out to drinks after work to get to know each other better? Well, these people go to church together.
Saturday, March 9, 2019

Refusal to host family isn't a bad thing
Friday, March 8, 2019

Family makes jokes about niece's fiance
My niece is getting married, and we had an engagement party for her. In the past few years, one side of the family has been pretty rude to her, including being rude to her fiance.
Thursday, March 7, 2019

It's ok to talk to friend about weight gain
I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen for a couple of years when she came home to visit her family. She is doing well at her job and was telling me all about it, but I am worried about her. She is still in her early 20s, and she has gained like 50 pounds.
Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Girlfriend's mom makes guests take off shoes
My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents; I was nervous, but still went over for dinner. I brought her mom some flowers and planned to be on my best behavior.
Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Visiting boyfriend's family requires planning
My boyfriend has invited me to go to visit his family in another country. It sounds like a great trip, but I have a problem: I do not have a passport. I have never been out of the country, and I'm worried about traveling to Mexico at this time.
Monday, March 4, 2019

Formerly bad cook wants chance to try again
I learned how to cook a few years ago after I had my daughter. Up to then, my husband and I ate out pretty much every day. Even if we ate at home, we would buy takeout. We ate healthy, all things considered. In our city, it is easy to find good food that is not expensive. Now I have a few key dishes that I make that are pretty good, if I do say so myself.
Saturday, March 2, 2019

Reader needs help getting organized
I am extremely disorganized, and it's catching up with me. I just scheduled three meetings that overlap each other. I can't believe I did that, but it's true. They are all personal, after-work meetings, but still. My friends feel like I don't care about them. My work is crazy busy, and I am so tired that I have been forgetful about keeping a good schedule. What should I say to my friends, and how can I get better organized?
Friday, March 1, 2019

Lack of libido puts strain on marriage
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I seem to have no libido whatsoever. My husband is mad at me because I have not been interested in sex for years now. He is a good man who hasn't strayed (yet), but I feel bad because it's not fair to him. How can I get interest back?
Thursday, February 28, 2019

Mom needs support system while child is on work trip
I am scheduled to travel for work for about a week. I travel for my job, but I have tried to scale back now that my mother is older and has some health issues. This upcoming trip is mandatory. I want to set up a support system for my mother while I am away, but I don't have any family in my hometown. Do you think it would be all right to speak to a couple of family friends to keep an eye on her? Should I hire someone?
Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Parents disappointed when kids don't finish college
My husband and I are college graduates, and we always assumed our kids would go to college, too. Both of our children are in their 20s. They have decent jobs, but neither of them finished college. We are so disappointed. We know we can't live our children's lives for them, but we have read that you can definitely increase your salary with a college degree. Should we continue to encourage them to go back to school or just let them live their lives?
Tuesday, February 26, 2019

World Almanac
Today is the 57th day of 2019 and the 68th day of winter.
Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Woman's nails may be too wild for job interviews
My girlfriend likes to dress fancy. For the past few months, she has taken to wearing rhinestones and other jewels on her fingernails. It looks nice, but I'm concerned because she is about to have several job interviews for relatively conservative jobs. She hopes to be a paralegal, and she is interviewing at different law firms.
Monday, February 25, 2019

Colleague must pay his own way
DEAR HARRIETTE: When I travel on business, it is often with another colleague. We typically eat our meals together in between meetings, but we have to file separate expense reports. In the interest of time, I often buy my colleague a coffee or other breakfast items.
Saturday, February 23, 2019

Colleague must pay his own way
DEAR HARRIETTE: When I travel on business, it is often with another colleague. We typically eat our meals together in between meetings, but we have to file separate expense reports. In the interest of time, I often buy my colleague a coffee or other breakfast items.
Friday, February 22, 2019

Girlfriend does not prioritize intense conversation
My girlfriend and I have been going through it the past few months. We love each other, but we have not been getting along. I am a talker, and I want to work with her to talk things out. The other day, I was having an intense conversation with her about feelings, and in the middle of that conversation, she got a phone call from a friend. She excused herself and got off the phone with me to chitchat with her friend, then didn't call me back for an hour.
Thursday, February 21, 2019

Man upset that girlfriend is just one of the guys
I am dating a woman who is "one of the guys." It's a long-distance relationship for the two of us, which complicates things to start, but my issue is that she has this group of guys she hangs out with, and she gets all glammed up to hang out with them, drinking all night and laughing it up.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Single mom unsure of friend's adoption plan
I have a single friend in her 40s who has a good job and is a solid person. She told me that she is researching adopting a child. She says she loves her job and her life, but she always wanted to have children and doesn't want to miss that chance. She wants me to support this idea.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Freelancer friend unwilling to look for new work
I have a freelancer friend who has been struggling a lot in recent years. I feel bad for him -- he is trying as hard as he knows how, but it's not working. He can't pay his bills; his friends have chipped in as we can, but it is clear that he has to make a shift in how he earns money. Several of us have sent job postings his way, but so far, he hasn't seemed interested.
Monday, February 18, 2019

Woman might want to skip trip after credit hit
My girlfriends and I have taken a trip together almost every year since we were in college. Not everybody can go each time, but we try to go because it's a lot of fun, and it helps us to stay connected. The plan for this year is to go to Costa Rica. I had intended to go, but I was hit by the government shutdown.
Saturday, February 16, 2019

Reader can't stand client's unnecessary criticism
I have periodic calls with one of my clients right before we activate a project, and I dread the conversation every time. Like clockwork, she finds a way to berate me right before we start going over details of the project.
Friday, February 15, 2019

Don't avoid the doctor because of weight gain
I was told by my doctor three months ago that I need to lose weight. I was doing a good job of going to the gym and working out, but recently I have slipped. The cold weather and a lack of motivation have gotten me into a funk. Instead of losing weight, I feel certain I have gained. I am supposed to go back to the doctor for a checkup soon, and I want to cancel. I am embarrassed by my lack of progress. What should I do?
Thursday, February 14, 2019

After shutdown reader wants to support local businesses
Now that the government shutdown is over, we are relieved that my husband will be getting paid again, but we really took a hit during that period. It is going to take time to repair our credit and to get on stable footing.
Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Parent wants son to stop smoking weed
My son is a sophomore in high school. He is a great student and generally a good kid. I discovered the other day that he has been smoking weed after finding one of those vape pens in his jacket pocket.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Woman sends disturbing video on Facebook
Someone sent me a Facebook message that included a disturbing video. Her preface was that it was horrible and that we, the people she had sent it to, should watch it and share it broadly. I rarely follow these kinds of directions, but I was compelled to watch the video. I am so sorry that I did. The video featured an infant being slapped, beaten and ultimately strangled. It was in close-up and not fake. It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen.
Monday, February 11, 2019

World Almanac
Today is the 41st day of 2019 and the 52nd day of winter.
Saturday, February 9, 2019

Dear Harriette
DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that the weather is so cold, I am worried about my mom, who is old and lives by herself. The other day, when it was well below freezing, she told me that her heat wasn't working well. I have invited her to stay with me for a few weeks -- until the cold blows over, just to be safe -- but she says she wants to stay home. I am not asking her to move in with me permanently.
Saturday, February 9, 2019

Boyfriend's smelly feet bring down the mood
Friday, February 8, 2019

Godson dealing with sexual identity
I just learned that my godson is gay, and it sounds like he is struggling with his sexual identity. His mom says he is drinking heavily and trying to act "straight" when he's drunk. He is having a tough time.
Thursday, February 7, 2019

Lawyer demands fee for making referral
I have gone to the same lawyer for more than 10 years. Today, I find myself in a predicament where I need a specialist to help me with a problem that is beyond my lawyer's expertise, but I feel like it's almost like breaking up with a hairdresser. I asked my lawyer for a referral for a specialist, and he got offended and told me he could handle it. When I pressed him on the importance of finding an expert, he said he would find someone but charge me a fee for the referral
Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Employee doesn't want to participate in events
We are having several events to celebrate Black History Month at my job. That's all OK, I guess, but I don't really want to participate. This is not because I am racist. I don't participate in any of the other heritage events during the year, so I'm not discriminating. But these Black History Month events are much higher profile. I feel like I am going to be judged for not attending and possibly even called racist. How can I handle this and maintain a good reputation at work?
Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Setting a deadline may help with selling clothes
I am cleaning out my closets and trying to make more space in my house. I have accumulated so much over time, including some pretty great clothing. I could give it all to Goodwill or the Salvation Army, but I also like the idea of getting something back for my clothes. I know that some people use websites to offload old stuff. What do you recommend? Part of me is concerned that if I go the route of selling at a discount online, it will just keep the stuff in my house for a lot longer.
Monday, February 4, 2019

Son wants to be police officer, to parent's chagrin
My son wants to become a police officer, and I am worried. I know that it is a so-called good, stable job with benefits. But I worry that he will end up being killed in the line of duty. Plus, these days the community doesn't trust cops the way they did when I was growing up. I know I can't make this decision for him, but I really wish he would go for something else. How can I get him to consider another path?
Saturday, February 2, 2019

Insured reader still can't afford health care
Last year, I had a series of medical tests that led to more and more tests. I was diagnosed with a couple of health issues that I need to deal with, but honestly, I can't afford to go to all of the doctors' appointments, let alone pay for all of the medications. And I have insurance! I work, too, but I can't keep up with all of the things needed to stay healthy. I feel like I am going to go broke trying to stay alive. I don't know what to do.
Friday, February 1, 2019

Teen daughter confesses to vaping e-cigarettes
My high schooler went to a party this weekend with friends from school. Afterwards, I learned that a number of the kids were vaping e-cigarettes. I have seen ads for e-cigarettes, and I know that they are highly addictive. When I talked to my daughter about it, she blew me off and said that none of her friends are addicted and "it's no big deal."
Thursday, January 31, 2019

Reader realizing that dad did the best he could
My father died nearly 20 years ago, and I am only now dealing with the grief that I had bottled up over the years. I realize that I was angry with him for many years for things that happened when I was a child. Now that I am a parent myself, I see that he was doing the best he could. There are things that he messed up on, but when I look back on it, I think that he did way more good than bad. How can I forgive myself for not appreciating my father more when he was alive? I feel horrible.
Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Husband doesn't want to attend destination wedding
One of my mentees is getting married overseas, and she invited my husband and me to her wedding. I really want to go. I like her so much. She has given us a fair amount of time to get ourselves in order, too -- the wedding is more than a year away.
Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Government shutdown victims should band together
Several people in my neighborhood work for the government, and the stress of the shutdown is wearing on them. My husband and I are on Social Security, so we rely on the government, too. We are in a situation that feels like a sinking ship.

I think it might be smart for us to band together and cook some meals.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Dear Harriette
DEAR HARRIETTE: I totally put my foot in my mouth. I was talking about the horrible things that often happen to women who have babies in their teens. I know I sounded high and mighty because I don't approve of teen mothers. I think it's way too difficult to provide a healthy life for the baby. Still, I never have meant to insult anyone. It turns out that my co-worker had a child when she was 16.
Saturday, January 26, 2019

Seventh-grader wants to pierce her nose
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter, who is in the seventh grade, says she wants to get a nose stud. A couple of her friends at school have gotten their noses pierced, and she wants to do it too. I am completely against this. She is too young, in my estimation, to make a decision that could affect her livelihood. I can say no, but I want her to understand that I don't think this is a smart idea at this point in her life. What can I say? -- No Nose Piercing
Friday, January 25, 2019

Neighbor wants to stop collecting mail
I have a neighborhood friend who visits his mother for three months at the beginning of the year. He is a nice guy, and we look out for each other. For the past couple of years, he has asked me to gather his mail and send it to him at the end of each week. I did it at first, but now I realize that this is a big responsibility.
Thursday, January 24, 2019

Employee questions revealing mistake to boss
I made a big mistake on the job, and I am not sure what to do about it. I know what happened and why, and it was definitely my fault. The thing is, if I tell anybody, I am probably going to lose my job. I don't think that an apology will be enough. My mistake cost my company money and probably damaged their reputation a bit, too.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Check recipient wonders if it's too late to cash it
I was given a check by a family friend for Christmas last year, and I just found it. It's more than a year old. I feel horrible about that, because he is close to our family. I don't want him to think that I ignored him, and I also want to cash the check. Do you think it's too late to deposit it?
Tuesday, January 22, 2019

Parent wants to keep teen daughter safe from predators
I just watched the Lifetime series about R&B singer R. Kelly, which alleges he had sex with minors. It was horrible to watch. There were so many stories of young teenagers being abused.
Monday, January 21, 2019

Reader caught in the middle of fighting friends
I have been friends with a small group of people for most of my life. Two of them had a falling-out about three years ago, and they have not spoken since. This has put me in an uncomfortable situation.
Saturday, January 19, 2019

Past still haunting formerly homeless reader
I was homeless for about two years. Finally, after a few false starts, a housing specialist was able to find me an amazing apartment in Brooklyn, New York. What I realize is that while I was homeless, I did not have to worry about purchasing groceries because the shelter I stayed in provided me with three meals per day. After two years, I went to the grocery store for the first time. While I was walking down the aisles, I stopped in my tracks. I stood still for about 10 minutes, paralyzed, because I didn't know what to purchase. I finally pulled myself together, bought a few items and went home.
Friday, January 18, 2019

Friend toots her own horn at work
I have a friend who has had a hard time finding work. I recently helped her get a freelance job where I have also been working, and she's doing pretty well. The problem I have noticed is that she is constantly selling herself, telling stories about things she accomplished in the past. These victories are from 20-plus years ago, and the young professionals she is working with don't care. I think it hurts her to bring up her past because it highlights her age. We still live in a society that is sensitive to age and gender. How can I suggest to her that she just do her job and stop singing her own praises?
Thursday, January 17, 2019

Sorority sisters reach out to isolated woman
I belong to a sorority that I joined in college. Many of the women have stayed close over the years, and now I wish I had, too. They tried to keep me in the loop, but I was too busy. Now that a lot of time has passed, I feel uncomfortable trying to work my way back into the mix. They keep reaching out to me, but I worry that they are all close and have been for years, and I am the odd girl out. I don't remember all of their names, and I feel stupid having to reacquaint myself when everybody else is in sync.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019

New employee has poor work ethic
A friend of mine referred a woman to me for a job. I have so much respect for my friend that I hired his referral without checking any additional references. That turned out to be a bad idea. This woman has worked with me for three weeks, and other than the first few days, it has gone downhill -- and fast. I gave her an assignment, and she didn't meet the deadline in her first week. When I asked her about her progress, I got excuse after excuse. She was supposed to turn in two reports by the end of week one; I have yet to receive a full report. I got only a couple of pages of notes.
Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Association bylaws cause strife in relationship
I have been involved in my cultural community for many years, and I feel strongly that I should support our causes and work to build up the community in any way I can. I am African-American, and I understand the issues that we face; I have marched and petitioned and participated in Black Lives Matter and other things over the years to support my people. I am very active.
Monday, January 14, 2019

Dear Harriette
DEAR HARRIETTE: We had a power outage in our building, so the electric company guy made the rounds to all of our apartments. One of my neighbors opened the door for him -- naked. I learned about this from him when he was working on my apartment. He was so taken aback he said he now avoids her.
Friday, January 11, 2019

Reader living hand to mouth needs a plan
DEAR HARRIETTE: I hear all this talk about the economy improving, but honestly, my friends and I are not doing much better than a year or so back. It is tough. I feel like we got left behind or something. Or maybe it's only talk about the major improvements in the economy.
Friday, January 11, 2019

Girlfriend's jealousy over job bugs boyfriend
I thought I was lucky when I met my girlfriend. We both work in the same field and are super-dedicated to our jobs. We are at the beginning of our careers, and we are both all-in on the hustle of making things work. This was great at first. Then I got a couple of gigs where I got some shine and some dollars. When I called to tell my girlfriend about it, she got her back up. She said she was proud of me, but I could tell she was jealous. Instead of asking me about what happened and how I got the gig, she started talking about something that she was working on. It was weird.
Thursday, January 10, 2019

Wife resents husband's ability to lose weight
My husband and I are in our late 50s, and we are working hard to get fit. My husband is much further along, as he is way more disciplined than I am. But we are both working on it.
Wednesday, January 9, 2019

Friend feels alone, even with people around him
I spoke to an old friend, who told me that one of his closest friends just died. He said that in the past year, he has lost most of his oldest friends and worries that he will be alone soon. He has a wife and a grown child, plus I am his friend, and he has other friends, too. But I understand what he means. Sometimes you can feel totally alone, even if you have people around. Feeling a sense of mortality when you start losing your friends is natural, I guess.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Live-in girlfriend ready to get married
I've been in a five-year-long relationship with my girlfriend, and we recently moved in together. A few nights ago, she expressed how upset she is that we aren't married. I keep telling her that I won't be ready to be married until I am at a certain financial level. I reminded her how far I've come to fulfill that goal over the past five years, which got her to calm down again.
Monday, January 7, 2019

Boyfriend and kids don't get along
I have been divorced 15 years and have two adult children. Recently, my children told me they do not like the man I have been dating for several years and do not want him to attend any family events. I believe they don't like him because he is the complete opposite of their father. Also, he is an attorney, so it goes without saying that he is opinionated.
Saturday, January 5, 2019

Girlfriend is too strict with reader's kids
I'm a working professional with twin 10-year-old boys. My girlfriend moved in two months ago. I have my boys only a couple of days each week, and I like to make the most of our time together and choose my battles carefully. My girlfriend is making them miserable with strict rules, and she tolerates no annoying -- but normal -- behaviors. She doesn't have children of her own.
Friday, January 4, 2019

After miscarriage, woman contemplates affair
I am a 27-year-old woman. I had a miscarriage four months ago. During my pregnancy, my husband was awful to me. We fought a lot, and I ended up losing the baby. He is a good husband, and the fighting started only when I found out I was pregnant. He supported me throughout the grieving process, but I started to lose interest in our marriage.
Thursday, January 3, 2019

Unattached reader doesn't want to socialize
I'm an only child, raised by parents who were approaching 50 when I was born. Growing up, I was the only child on my street. I attended a small religious school that was several miles away from where we lived. I grew up very alone, and I learned to like being alone. I've come to realize that is my problem: I like being alone, yet everyone around me assumes that I am lonely, because I've never been married and have no children or other social ties.
Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Son's abusive marriage worries parents
DEAR HARRIETTE: My 30-year-old son is in an abusive marriage. His wife hits him, locks him out of the house, calls him humiliating names and has alienated him from his friends and family. This has caused him to lose 50 pounds, and he has developed dangerous stress-related symptoms.
Monday, December 31, 2018

Dear Harriette
DEAR HARRIETTE: Last year, my husband and I traveled across the country to visit our son and his family. Unfortunately, the visit was not a friendly one. My daughter-in-law made herself unavailable. She wasn't rude, but she made sure she was never at home when we were there. She didn't join us for dinners or activities. My son always made excuses.
Saturday, December 29, 2018

Parents want to provide champagne to teens
DEAR HARRIETTE: My family and I were invited to a holiday party with friends from our son's previous school. The children are in 9th grade, and they will be reuniting at this event with their parents.
Friday, December 28, 2018

Mom's nipple rings embarrass daughters
DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I have no interest in body piercings (except our ears). However, our 50-year-old mother recently got her nipples pierced and has started wearing jewelry there -- UGH!
Thursday, December 27, 2018

Displaced cousin crowds college student
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 21-year old college student. Recently, my cousin (also 21) moved in with my parents and me because her mom is verbally and mentally abusive.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Longtime girlfriend refuses to accept breakup
I'm 39 years old, and I've been in a monogamous relationship for seven years. Not long after moving into the house I own, my girlfriend quit her job. She's been unemployed for more than five years now. We've had sex once in the last three years.
Monday, December 24, 2018

Future mother-in-law wants to join honeymoon
I have a huge problem. My fiance and I have been together for two years, and we're getting married next June. The problem is my soon-to-be mother-in-law.
Saturday, December 22, 2018









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